Tag Archives: transformation

Losses along the way

As part of my thesis, I am recounting my journey, from childhood trauma to healing, meaning, and mystery. There is a large spectrum of time and experience to consider. But the truth is that right now I am stunned at the recent losses that could never have been anticipated. And even if they had been projected as possible by anyone, the possibilities would have been merrily laughed off as simply absurd.

So, somehow… it is almost as though these are the blood sacrifices that are required to enter the “next stage”.

And here I am. With holes in my heart.

The greatest loss…

Is it even possible that I had to lose such a dear beloved friend, a sister by choice, for some greater purpose? NO! I just do not believe that I HAD to lose her! (Looking for the positive… Perhaps this loss created an opening in me Tree near Anne to allow me a precious reconnection with another (beloved) ‘cast off’ member of my blood family. But dammit.. I do not really believe that there had to be this trade-off!) There is just no possible meaning in this… At least, I have to admit, none that I have yet realized.

Is this loss more painful because this was Chosen family? Not only chosen by me, but – perhaps the sweetest, and most important part… I was chosen! I never before felt chosen. FAMILY! True family! So much greater than the ‘semblance of family’ represented by my blood relations!! A sister by choice. A sister who has loved me for 25 years… A woman who has caused me to feel loved, wanted, and included in ways I so desperately craved. In ways I so desperately needed… although I did not even realize my own deepest need until she insisted I remain in her life!! And for this I have been so deeply grateful!

The loss of this friend haunts me and, at the strangest moments, I cannot help but weep for a loss that is so much more profound than any I have known. Deeper than even the death of my own mother or grandmother.

A part of me knows that at some time in the future somehow something about this will make a great deal of sense, and perhaps rightfully fit into the great tapestry that is my journey and life. Right now, the fabric is deeply rent…frayed…and bleeding.

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Posted by on May 11, 2011 in Inner Life


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Happy Amazing Birthday!


How can I even know that this is an amazing year ahead? How can I get so excited at the turning of a year? I can’t possibly tell you “how”. I can’t possibly describe the knowing. I only know. I feel it viscerally, I know it in my body as well as in my mind and heart… the joy is in my cells…

OR… Maybe I can tell you that there is an amazing year ahead because I will have nothing less. I now know what I was made for. I now know what is my avocation as well as my vocation. I simply will not be dallying with any other forces.

(Okay.. on that note… I do have to be careful that I do not p*-off the authority figures that I need in this journey. Authority figures that feel it is in everyone’s best interest to subdue me, to ‘knock me down to size’, who apparently need me to act insecure. I don’t want to ACT the part of the scared, needy, and ignorant trainee. But I will need to act deferential, appreciative… Dear God, May this be the worst of the politics to come!)

There is a big (big) ((big)) change coming soon. I am wavering only in the precise timing, and in my trust of myself. But … I am soon to be responsible to no one but myself. I worry about this. I am soon to be needing to stay connected to humanity by other than ‘daily routine’ and habit. I worry about this. There is so much change and growth and Change ahead!! I am sure that it is a good thing that we cannot see all that we will face in our future. We would probably be scared off. But, Oh My Gawd. I cannot tell you how excited I am, how ready I feel, how RIGHT the fit is for this next chapter.

My Encore Career.

My Calling.

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Posted by on March 2, 2010 in Inner Life


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Liminal time

I’m not gone. But sometimes I feel gone. At least from the places I started to establish myself, and wanted to grow and connect (like my blogging community), before I fell into the rabbit hole of Grad School!!  

AND… then again.. I feel like I am changing my very sense of place, my very sense of self, the very structure of my DNA… as if I am right now being sent through a transporter beam and I am just slowly looking down and finding myself more and more … “here”.  In a very new here, a very new place.  

(But part or most of my particles are still in the old place or en route. VERY odd!!  Very VERY odd!)

I love noticing things like this.   I hope that I am capturing this experience adequately.  <Don’t you sometimes wish you were…. photographic?>  How do you catch the “in between times”?  The Liminal time!!  We don’t have natural language for this!  Can I even hope to retrieve this experience in or near its fullness when that possible future someone is going through something similar, and maybe something I noticed or learned in the process could help?  Am I making sense of this experience in a way that is useful to myself? And Bonus: To others?

Class bright and early in the a.m.  Off to bed. Off to sleep… I hope!