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Tag Archives: healing

Reaching a mutual understanding

In the last few days I have begun suddenly to think that I was, instead of being too hasty, that I maybe I was reaching the point of ‘hanging on too long’ in regards to my elderly ailing beloved 15-1/2year old Sophie. I watched her yesterday – as I have been watching her closely over the past week or two. Asking her, sometimes out loud, “Is this too much, honey?” “Have you had enough?” But of course, no audible response came. And there was still detectible if subdued pleasure she experienced in my company.

So was my attention yesterday, while Sophie was occasionally moving from inside to outside, occasionally falling and being unable to pick herself up, and then she would wander a tiny portion of the yard – was she trying to decide whether the pain of crouching was worth the desire to defecate or urinate? Did she just collapse on her hind legs or did she mean to ‘take a break’ and sit a spell?

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So long away. Making my way home.

I am missing my involvement with my blog and the few lovely readers I once had. I miss the creative or expressive outlet in a zone with no rules or expectations. And as I begin to near the end of my graduate program, I look forward to once again dancing and playing here!

I was so happily surprised when I just followed a link to a blog from LinkedIn and ended up on a blog mentioning TimeThief!! AH! The familiar name calls me back, alighting my wish to master the technical aspects of blogging (she’s an über expert! on top of an awesome heart!). So I look forward to dabbling in the midst of my thesis, perhaps using it to fill the need for an occasional break.

More on the thesis topic later… Overcoming, living with yet above the effects of incest!

Namasté!

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2011 in transitions

 

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Even when it’s good

How crazy is it that at the same time you can be realizing how blessed, lucky, fortunate, happy you are…. in that same moment or only a fraction of a second later the seemingly co-resident thoughts about how quite not perfect it is step into the light, fully grown?  How much there is still to worry about.  How much I could actually be blowing it, I just don’t know it yet. Blahdy blahddy blaaahhh

ICKK Already!!        Read the rest of this entry »

 

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Big lesson, learned?

Regarding my recent past experience, I am wondering about my still-resident-susceptibility to the (any) sociopath.  This has been an eye-opening inquiry.

I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once so sweet, so preciously loving, of the past two years… ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is in his cruel departure.

I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong.  But I am still in my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense.  (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all.  But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)
I have found a volume of meaning so far.  No doubt.

However…. A few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first placeWhat was the ‘hook’ that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?

(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments of the relationship.  If I ever thought I didn’t self-inquire, that maybe I didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps.. Well I found it. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience – not presuming it was True just because it felt so Good.)

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Healing steps

Things I have “finally” done:

  • deleted his phone numbers from my cell phone
  • copied all of the him-specific photographs from my computer to a disc so I can delete them from my computer. 
  • copied all other heart-wrenching (and sometimes wonderfully written) documents and emails to disc and deleted from computer.
  • deleted his ‘label’ and the associated messages in gmail
  • found more of his photographs I’d had blown up to wall-hanging size (ones he didn’t presumptively ‘take for his own’ last june) and now have them accessible for burning
  • thought of him and did not need to hit something or vomit
  • thought of what he had perpetrated and did not get that stunned, uncomprehending brain-freeze
  • ate in old ‘haunts’ without thinking of him
  • woken up without thinking of him

 
Soon  …  I’ll make it a day, a week…

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2007 in Inner Life, recovery, Relationships

 

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How we heal

Before I dash off to work this morning, I want to record some quick thoughts I have about how we heal.

When we are dealing with a loss, one where the other party is (appears to be  [had to get that in for my part]) still conscious and walking the earth, the sudden ‘removal’ of what was a regular, comforting and passionate connection…. is going to cause great feelings of deprivation (to name one).  If you are fortunate, you know with all your mind you don’t really want anything to do with the creature again, but your heart is not yet so convinced.  (It will catch up, I promise you.)

In the face of those waves of feelings of deprivation — showing up as it does in myriad forms, be it sadness, self-recrimination, anger, bargaining  — one key I found is to treat it like I did my nicotine addiction.  I turned INTO it.  I turned my attention directly into, onto that feeling.  Where do I feel it?  What else am I feeling?  Is it moving?  Is it big?  Is there physical pain?  Where?  Does it have a color?…. And on.

Don’t turn away.  Don’t constantly respond to these waves with only attempts at distraction FROM the experience.  This only tells your entire system that “This threat is real!  It is dangerous! It is powerful!”  In many instances what you WILL find, however, in turning your attention INTO it… you will truly find your attention feebly chasing the evaporating ‘power’ in your attempt to simply notice it… It will shrink and dilute and disappear before you like the foggy moisture off a rooftop as the sun first shines on it.  You will keep your attention pointed INTO that experience, but you will suddenly be looking here, checking there.  The experience will not be ‘noticeable’!

Sometimes this immediate ‘evaporation’ isn’t what happens.  Except over time.  These other times you learn instead that you CAN let it wash through you.  You CAN notice it, without believing the lie it tries to sell (“I’m no good”, “If only I had xxx”).  You can cry.  You can beat the pillow or stomp an imagined face under your feet.  And you can keep on noticing.    If the evaporation, dissolution, de-charging doesn’t happen in the blink of an eye, well, okay.  Maybe it takes a couple of days.

Find some good reading.  Find some inspiration.  Call a friend.  Call the next friend.  And the next.  Reclaim your rightful place in your world, your body, your heart!!

More later

 

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Recovery, grief, rage… and breathing

“loving
is the most
creative
force of the universe.

the memory of loving,
the most
destructive”
(Peter McWilliams)

So the rage, and the outwardly directed but inwardly poisoning related vindictiveness, come and visit. Come and park. But I have to stop reaching for the steering wheel. I can sit in this vehicle and FEEL it fully. Let it wash over and through. (And occasionally take it out on my couch, pillows, defenseless vegetables…) And then let it move out. Then ‘tomorrow’ or the next hour has a chance of some peace.

I still work through plans to … to save the next heart that is destined to be brutally-betrayed, save her from having to experience that. If the two women who were tempted to contact me 2 years ago to give me whatever version of a heads-up had… it just might have saved me from this pain. Yes – BUT it would have had to “save” me from 2 years of feeling loved, of the most significant experience of being able to love, of feeling fully accepted, of truly engaging in future-planning, future-building. (This is something that I am claiming selfishly. It is MY experience… NOT given to me by some subhuman or even human. I was the one that had to believe, to trust, to let go and to be… wholy and soley myself. Otherwise I could not of taken IN what I percieved to be love directed at me!! AMAZING… You can dance a dance with an illusion… and if you have suspended disbelief… there is a TRUE EXPERIENCE!)

So thinking of those women who thought to reach out…. I now seriously contemplate offering information.
Information that can be discarded, unread. Or read and disbelieved. But because it is true, it has the possibility to heal. I would hope for minimally the latter, the read and disbelieve. Because then.. at least then the radar will not be able to fully shut down and shut out the sure small, cumulative signs of deception.

Then when it ends, there is something that is prepared within.

or not

I will breathe. I will consider. I will meditate. I will breathe.

I will be stronger. I am stronger because of this. I will take a stand for what is true.

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2007 in Inner Life, recovery, Relationships

 

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