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Category Archives: recovery

Psychopathy information and attention – means help and hope!

Gosh… I wish I had the time to take away from my studies to really do justice to honor and note what I am seeing in my too frequent and too brief distractions and visits to informative sites. 

These are some wonderfully helpful, informative and most-certainly very healing work/websites that I am finding more and more of showing up on the topic of sociopaths/psychopaths.  Perhaps we are coming to finally understand that they show up in all walks of life! And people need to know!
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This WAS the moment…

Mr. Obama’s awesome introduction to the rest of the country!!  I think this will be one for the history books, actually.

I’m pretty stunned with the reverberating, inspiring feeling-tone of this speech.  I think we are in for an exciting year!

 
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Posted by on January 5, 2008 in inspirations, recovery

 

Feast on your life!

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

— Derek Walcott

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A very new dear friend (aren’t those precious words to be able to say, and a precious reality to reflect on?) gave me this poem – actually read it to me as part of the gift, AND as a punctuation mark in our experience in class.
We talked about my recent past as fertilizer for the experience of this Now. Of this choice. Of this time of education.  She gave me that analogy of my immediately past relationship being ‘fertilizer’. I suspect she also got (I CERTAINLY DO) that it was fertilizer as both fuel for growth and fecal product!!

I do love this poem. It means so much to my heart… and yet I know it will mean even more over time!
I can’t yet read it too often, for each time I read it I use up half a box of tissues.

 
 

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Afraid

 Comics Find You

i admit i AM afraid.
feeling lost
at times.

at times, painfully

i know
intellectually
this pain will pass

 

Big lesson, learned?

Regarding my recent past experience, I am wondering about my still-resident-susceptibility to the (any) sociopath.  This has been an eye-opening inquiry.

I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once so sweet, so preciously loving, of the past two years… ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is in his cruel departure.

I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong.  But I am still in my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense.  (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all.  But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)
I have found a volume of meaning so far.  No doubt.

However…. A few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first placeWhat was the ‘hook’ that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?

(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments of the relationship.  If I ever thought I didn’t self-inquire, that maybe I didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps.. Well I found it. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience – not presuming it was True just because it felt so Good.)

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Healing steps

Things I have “finally” done:

  • deleted his phone numbers from my cell phone
  • copied all of the him-specific photographs from my computer to a disc so I can delete them from my computer. 
  • copied all other heart-wrenching (and sometimes wonderfully written) documents and emails to disc and deleted from computer.
  • deleted his ‘label’ and the associated messages in gmail
  • found more of his photographs I’d had blown up to wall-hanging size (ones he didn’t presumptively ‘take for his own’ last june) and now have them accessible for burning
  • thought of him and did not need to hit something or vomit
  • thought of what he had perpetrated and did not get that stunned, uncomprehending brain-freeze
  • ate in old ‘haunts’ without thinking of him
  • woken up without thinking of him

 
Soon  …  I’ll make it a day, a week…

 
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Posted by on November 8, 2007 in Inner Life, recovery, Relationships

 

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Return of the tide

Recovery.  Gosh it’s fickle.

After 5-6 weeks of the most harrowing grieving and journeying back from heartbreak, the past couple-few weeks have been ablaze with new life. My beloved and precious friends have been unexpectedly rewarded with my ‘return’ – laughing, planning, energy abounding. And I have been likewise rewarded with this same return.  God I’m so glad to be back to myself!  It has been years since I’ve been this happy to be me!  I take a moment to offer up my thanks.

In all this flush of life, as I have mentioned, I have become engaged in the process of getting into grad school …late.  So there is the application process with its papers and activities abounding, and there is the simultaneous catch-up process for the first set of classes I missed and the ones that are about to take place.  Along with that – the concomitant fear and terror that I’m jumping in beyond my capacity for discipline and order.

That said – none of this activity has felt to be any part of “running away”.

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Posted by on October 23, 2007 in Personal Development, recovery, Relationships

 

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