Category Archives: Personal Development


Recently, very recently, I was finally convinced by a long-time friend to create an account on FaceBook. I was very resistant to these way-too-popular social networking sites due to the possible massive loss of privacy it represented to me. Why do we want to post everything about ourselves? The fragility of giving away of information that could in one moment be shared only between friends, but then is available to anyone!.. information which is never meant for another’s eyes.

But my friend pointed out the control I would (should) have on the display of my information. OH-KAY. WHAT THE HECK. I decided to create an account to stay in touch with her.

Now. What an onslaught of experiences I am having. In part I feel like some of my core ways-of-being in the world are being augmented, added to, or maybe it is challenged.

I have long recognized that I tend to be a type of person who maintains connections with friends for the duration that I am in regular contact with them. I have one close friend with whom I’ve maintained contact. And that is truly because she told me she wanted me to. (Otherwise, is it an esteem issue? Or simply a soul-style?)

Yesterday and today, I have spent time re-connecting with my next door neighbor from the time I was 10 to 16. He was a confidant, a friend, a co-conspirator, and we were simply growing up together. (How many pizzas did we order to be delivered to a neighbor?) One of the greatest realizations I’m having in all of this is the realization! that I was truly able to, I did!, have a male friend. I AM capable. I DO have memories, experiences that prove I was (and am) able. And talking / chatting with him is awakening a part of my life I’ve left behind, that I think I want to reconnect with.

This ability/tendency of mine to leave those behind when I leave situations is now somewhat in question. The emotions that are being stirred up by these simple posting exchanges catch my attention – deserve my attention. There is something there for me to learn from.



Posted by on October 20, 2008 in Inner Life, Personal Development


We are ‘Second Years’!!! kindasortaGRADiated

At my school, we all come together, from remote parts of the continent, as a cohort, once a month as a group that grows to be a solid, rich entity of its own right. We also consistently share campus with the year ahead of us… they are “the second years”. We look up to them. We want to be them. We wish we knew what they know! Socially we get to know them only a little, but I suppose that the important thing is that we get used to seeing them. They are a part of our experience. Their consistent presence serves as part of our ability to become fully present for OUR learning!

NOW… FALL 2008. We are officially “the Second years”!!! When we next set foot on campus, we will have star-struck, discomfitted eyes looking toward us. Looking for assurance that survival is possible. (I suspect that it is Month Two when that look must come into full bloom!!) They’ll be gazing at us … for answers, for guidance… and actually mostly just to be the familiar faces over time.

What a kick.

What a ‘kick’ to be a year along in my own journey. How amazing it is to be so … transformed since I first started classes.

This transformation is not at all about the recovery from betrayal I have lived & grown through. No, the ‘newness’ of my own self that I speak of has to do with an alchemical, soul-level, awakening-type experience I have experienced more profoundly with each and every weekend that I have shown up. Being with this Cohort, with this learning experience, with this intention….

“Behold, I am doing a new thing (in you),
now it springs forth,
do you not perceive it?”
Isa 43:19



On the cusp.. Did you miss it?

What does living on the cusp of ‘my life has just begun’ really feel like?  Do many people even have a clue?  Even ever have a chance to notice? Probably not, because how rare it is to notice a beginning… at the beginning!?

Doesn’t this experience, of major life transition, really belong only to 14 yr olds entering high school?  No! matter of fact, they don’t even have a chance of noticing it.

But certainly to 18-19 year olds leaving the confines of predictable schooling and parental oversight, right?  Again.. how many 18 year olds notice their interior experience?
For this is wholly an interior experience!  Shoot… the frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed until 25, so it would be much later yet (if ever) to use the capacity for the complex cognitive layer that can handle “what do I think of what I think they think of me?”. (Hell. How many adults do that one???)

I don’t think it is till we’re about 29 that we first have a retrospective experience of looking back and thinking… Wow, that’s when my life really started… Or, …what a turning point. It was all different after that.

Yet, right now, fully conscious, I find myself living a cusp (liminal) experience.  I am still firmly (4/5ths?) grounded in where I have been up until recently (earnin’ my buck from the corporate gig… and thank god, for the time being, still doing so).  I also fully find that I am not only looking over the ridge at the next version of who I am, but that 1/5th (or more) of me is already moving into/resonating with/vibrating in/BEING that new reality that I am transitioning to!

If in all of this process I can do something uniquely valuable, I think it would be the ability to NOTICE (and report) THE LANDSCAPE as I progress. Notice and record.

I am finding out how valued this reflection is: of ‘what the landscape looks like’, ‘See, it’s safe! (Look, here I am!)’.  For all of those coming along behind me… Possibly younger.  Possibly newer at this. Charge on.  And if you can… Notice.  Notice what it is like to be YOU in this moment, in this experience!



Even when it’s good

How crazy is it that at the same time you can be realizing how blessed, lucky, fortunate, happy you are…. in that same moment or only a fraction of a second later the seemingly co-resident thoughts about how quite not perfect it is step into the light, fully grown?  How much there is still to worry about.  How much I could actually be blowing it, I just don’t know it yet. Blahdy blahddy blaaahhh

ICKK Already!!        Read the rest of this entry »


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On blogging and…divulging…

A great read: 

Exposed – What I gained — and lost — by writing about my intimate life online

Thanks to a new discovery:

Neurological Correlates blog

waving to all!!  tf



Posted by on May 26, 2008 in Inner Life, Personal Development


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Liminal time

I’m not gone. But sometimes I feel gone. At least from the places I started to establish myself, and wanted to grow and connect (like my blogging community), before I fell into the rabbit hole of Grad School!!  

AND… then again.. I feel like I am changing my very sense of place, my very sense of self, the very structure of my DNA… as if I am right now being sent through a transporter beam and I am just slowly looking down and finding myself more and more … “here”.  In a very new here, a very new place.  

(But part or most of my particles are still in the old place or en route. VERY odd!!  Very VERY odd!)

I love noticing things like this.   I hope that I am capturing this experience adequately.  <Don’t you sometimes wish you were…. photographic?>  How do you catch the “in between times”?  The Liminal time!!  We don’t have natural language for this!  Can I even hope to retrieve this experience in or near its fullness when that possible future someone is going through something similar, and maybe something I noticed or learned in the process could help?  Am I making sense of this experience in a way that is useful to myself? And Bonus: To others?

Class bright and early in the a.m.  Off to bed. Off to sleep… I hope!





Stretch goals versus limits

How do we know?
The difference between what seems (to us, to society) to be reachable if occasionally unbelievable personal goals…
..versus physically, emotionally unreachable or at least currently unmanageable goals?

Our society loves setting goals, and loves those who reach them.  So… its not surprising that it is not too easy to find general support for figuring out when you’ve reached momentarily too far… and how to gracefully forgive yourself and back down.  If that is even appropriate.

What if we really do hit our limit in reaching for a stretch goal? What if we have underestimated the requirements, overestimated our abilities, but we still sit, too terrified to say we’ve rushed in too fast because, and we don’t know how to say. Oops.  Maybe not now.   
Besides, maybe, just maybe, we are just going through a normal scared patch. (How can we know?)  Maybe, just maybe, we will be able to look back on this and say “whew… didn’t think I’d make it.. but I DID”. 
But what if the panic and the physical and the internal responses threaten to unbalance everything?  I mean … everything. 
Read the rest of this entry »