Category Archives: Mystery


Not yet perhaps
But so tangible. 
So felt. Known. And powerful.
Perhaps not yet seen.
But the experience has begun.

How do we grow? 
In the soil of good company?
When we are allowed to send our taproots down into the very heart of who we think we may be?
It is, now I know,
When we are held, we are encouraged, we are simply and deeply confirmed.

I am no longer who I was.  I am, yes, also who I was.
But I am now made up of the reconstituted substance from what I used to be.
I am moving into a new template. A new form.
I am being pulled into that new mold
A mold, a template, a form so ancient as to predate the very cellular memory that fills it.


Oreo returns. Mending afoot.

Oreo came back.  But he wasn’t well.
He moved only very slowly.  His back permanently arched, in a position that shouldn’t have lasted.

Worry. And watch. 

And add on the worry that I should really be treating this as life threatening, I should be panicking…
— because what if it IS!?  LIFE Threatening, that is!

I feel that that is the right direction to lean. If in doubt.
SO off to the Emergency vet I went, I just couldn’t wait 4 more hrs for my vet.

Vet said he was hit by a car, mouthed aggressively by a dog, or had something fall on him. 
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Posted by on June 15, 2008 in family, Mystery, Relationships


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Even when it’s good

How crazy is it that at the same time you can be realizing how blessed, lucky, fortunate, happy you are…. in that same moment or only a fraction of a second later the seemingly co-resident thoughts about how quite not perfect it is step into the light, fully grown?  How much there is still to worry about.  How much I could actually be blowing it, I just don’t know it yet. Blahdy blahddy blaaahhh

ICKK Already!!        Read the rest of this entry »


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Liminal time

I’m not gone. But sometimes I feel gone. At least from the places I started to establish myself, and wanted to grow and connect (like my blogging community), before I fell into the rabbit hole of Grad School!!  

AND… then again.. I feel like I am changing my very sense of place, my very sense of self, the very structure of my DNA… as if I am right now being sent through a transporter beam and I am just slowly looking down and finding myself more and more … “here”.  In a very new here, a very new place.  

(But part or most of my particles are still in the old place or en route. VERY odd!!  Very VERY odd!)

I love noticing things like this.   I hope that I am capturing this experience adequately.  <Don’t you sometimes wish you were…. photographic?>  How do you catch the “in between times”?  The Liminal time!!  We don’t have natural language for this!  Can I even hope to retrieve this experience in or near its fullness when that possible future someone is going through something similar, and maybe something I noticed or learned in the process could help?  Am I making sense of this experience in a way that is useful to myself? And Bonus: To others?

Class bright and early in the a.m.  Off to bed. Off to sleep… I hope!





Many Anniversaries

  • I am free from sickness, brokenness and self-disdain – 6 mo anniversary
  • I am back in school and thriving! – 5 month anniversary
  • I am happy to feel being myself again! – 1 mo anniversary

Many small AND important points along the way…. 
I am so grateful to be in my own skin. I am happy again to be me! 
This is a familiar focus of gratitude, this recognition.  (But it  felt like I had forgotten it.  I just didn’t know how long it had been gone. It felt like a very long time.)
I once again look out from my own eyes and know that I not only am part of what I see, I also AM what I see. 
The boundary of “me” is not limited to my skin.
Everything that I experience as “out there” is also ME! 

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Posted by on March 25, 2008 in inspirations, Mystery, Relationships


Stretch goals versus limits

How do we know?
The difference between what seems (to us, to society) to be reachable if occasionally unbelievable personal goals…
..versus physically, emotionally unreachable or at least currently unmanageable goals?

Our society loves setting goals, and loves those who reach them.  So… its not surprising that it is not too easy to find general support for figuring out when you’ve reached momentarily too far… and how to gracefully forgive yourself and back down.  If that is even appropriate.

What if we really do hit our limit in reaching for a stretch goal? What if we have underestimated the requirements, overestimated our abilities, but we still sit, too terrified to say we’ve rushed in too fast because, and we don’t know how to say. Oops.  Maybe not now.   
Besides, maybe, just maybe, we are just going through a normal scared patch. (How can we know?)  Maybe, just maybe, we will be able to look back on this and say “whew… didn’t think I’d make it.. but I DID”. 
But what if the panic and the physical and the internal responses threaten to unbalance everything?  I mean … everything. 
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Feast on your life!

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

— Derek Walcott


A very new dear friend (aren’t those precious words to be able to say, and a precious reality to reflect on?) gave me this poem – actually read it to me as part of the gift, AND as a punctuation mark in our experience in class.
We talked about my recent past as fertilizer for the experience of this Now. Of this choice. Of this time of education.  She gave me that analogy of my immediately past relationship being ‘fertilizer’. I suspect she also got (I CERTAINLY DO) that it was fertilizer as both fuel for growth and fecal product!!

I do love this poem. It means so much to my heart… and yet I know it will mean even more over time!
I can’t yet read it too often, for each time I read it I use up half a box of tissues.


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