Category Archives: inspirations

Reaching a mutual understanding

In the last few days I have begun suddenly to think that I was, instead of being too hasty, that I maybe I was reaching the point of ‘hanging on too long’ in regards to my elderly ailing beloved 15-1/2year old Sophie. I watched her yesterday – as I have been watching her closely over the past week or two. Asking her, sometimes out loud, “Is this too much, honey?” “Have you had enough?” But of course, no audible response came. And there was still detectible if subdued pleasure she experienced in my company.

So was my attention yesterday, while Sophie was occasionally moving from inside to outside, occasionally falling and being unable to pick herself up, and then she would wander a tiny portion of the yard – was she trying to decide whether the pain of crouching was worth the desire to defecate or urinate? Did she just collapse on her hind legs or did she mean to ‘take a break’ and sit a spell?

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Not yet perhaps
But so tangible. 
So felt. Known. And powerful.
Perhaps not yet seen.
But the experience has begun.

How do we grow? 
In the soil of good company?
When we are allowed to send our taproots down into the very heart of who we think we may be?
It is, now I know,
When we are held, we are encouraged, we are simply and deeply confirmed.

I am no longer who I was.  I am, yes, also who I was.
But I am now made up of the reconstituted substance from what I used to be.
I am moving into a new template. A new form.
I am being pulled into that new mold
A mold, a template, a form so ancient as to predate the very cellular memory that fills it.


Tears of the soul

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Posted by on July 11, 2009 in family, inspirations


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We are ‘Second Years’!!! kindasortaGRADiated

At my school, we all come together, from remote parts of the continent, as a cohort, once a month as a group that grows to be a solid, rich entity of its own right. We also consistently share campus with the year ahead of us… they are “the second years”. We look up to them. We want to be them. We wish we knew what they know! Socially we get to know them only a little, but I suppose that the important thing is that we get used to seeing them. They are a part of our experience. Their consistent presence serves as part of our ability to become fully present for OUR learning!

NOW… FALL 2008. We are officially “the Second years”!!! When we next set foot on campus, we will have star-struck, discomfitted eyes looking toward us. Looking for assurance that survival is possible. (I suspect that it is Month Two when that look must come into full bloom!!) They’ll be gazing at us … for answers, for guidance… and actually mostly just to be the familiar faces over time.

What a kick.

What a ‘kick’ to be a year along in my own journey. How amazing it is to be so … transformed since I first started classes.

This transformation is not at all about the recovery from betrayal I have lived & grown through. No, the ‘newness’ of my own self that I speak of has to do with an alchemical, soul-level, awakening-type experience I have experienced more profoundly with each and every weekend that I have shown up. Being with this Cohort, with this learning experience, with this intention….

“Behold, I am doing a new thing (in you),
now it springs forth,
do you not perceive it?”
Isa 43:19



On the cusp.. Did you miss it?

What does living on the cusp of ‘my life has just begun’ really feel like?  Do many people even have a clue?  Even ever have a chance to notice? Probably not, because how rare it is to notice a beginning… at the beginning!?

Doesn’t this experience, of major life transition, really belong only to 14 yr olds entering high school?  No! matter of fact, they don’t even have a chance of noticing it.

But certainly to 18-19 year olds leaving the confines of predictable schooling and parental oversight, right?  Again.. how many 18 year olds notice their interior experience?
For this is wholly an interior experience!  Shoot… the frontal lobe isn’t even fully developed until 25, so it would be much later yet (if ever) to use the capacity for the complex cognitive layer that can handle “what do I think of what I think they think of me?”. (Hell. How many adults do that one???)

I don’t think it is till we’re about 29 that we first have a retrospective experience of looking back and thinking… Wow, that’s when my life really started… Or, …what a turning point. It was all different after that.

Yet, right now, fully conscious, I find myself living a cusp (liminal) experience.  I am still firmly (4/5ths?) grounded in where I have been up until recently (earnin’ my buck from the corporate gig… and thank god, for the time being, still doing so).  I also fully find that I am not only looking over the ridge at the next version of who I am, but that 1/5th (or more) of me is already moving into/resonating with/vibrating in/BEING that new reality that I am transitioning to!

If in all of this process I can do something uniquely valuable, I think it would be the ability to NOTICE (and report) THE LANDSCAPE as I progress. Notice and record.

I am finding out how valued this reflection is: of ‘what the landscape looks like’, ‘See, it’s safe! (Look, here I am!)’.  For all of those coming along behind me… Possibly younger.  Possibly newer at this. Charge on.  And if you can… Notice.  Notice what it is like to be YOU in this moment, in this experience!



Many Anniversaries

  • I am free from sickness, brokenness and self-disdain – 6 mo anniversary
  • I am back in school and thriving! – 5 month anniversary
  • I am happy to feel being myself again! – 1 mo anniversary

Many small AND important points along the way…. 
I am so grateful to be in my own skin. I am happy again to be me! 
This is a familiar focus of gratitude, this recognition.  (But it  felt like I had forgotten it.  I just didn’t know how long it had been gone. It felt like a very long time.)
I once again look out from my own eyes and know that I not only am part of what I see, I also AM what I see. 
The boundary of “me” is not limited to my skin.
Everything that I experience as “out there” is also ME! 

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Posted by on March 25, 2008 in inspirations, Mystery, Relationships


This WAS the moment…

Mr. Obama’s awesome introduction to the rest of the country!!  I think this will be one for the history books, actually.

I’m pretty stunned with the reverberating, inspiring feeling-tone of this speech.  I think we are in for an exciting year!

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Posted by on January 5, 2008 in inspirations, recovery