As part of my thesis, I am recounting my journey, from childhood trauma to healing, meaning, and mystery. There is a large spectrum of time and experience to consider. But the truth is that right now I am stunned at the recent losses that could never have been anticipated. And even if they had been projected as possible by anyone, the possibilities would have been merrily laughed off as simply absurd.
So, somehow… it is almost as though these are the blood sacrifices that are required to enter the “next stage”.
And here I am. With holes in my heart.
The greatest loss…
Is it even possible that I had to lose such a dear beloved friend, a sister by choice, for some greater purpose? NO! I just do not believe that I HAD to lose her! (Looking for the positive… Perhaps this loss created an opening in me to allow me a precious reconnection with another (beloved) ‘cast off’ member of my blood family. But dammit.. I do not really believe that there had to be this trade-off!) There is just no possible meaning in this… At least, I have to admit, none that I have yet realized.
Is this loss more painful because this was Chosen family? Not only chosen by me, but – perhaps the sweetest, and most important part… I was chosen! I never before felt chosen. FAMILY! True family! So much greater than the ‘semblance of family’ represented by my blood relations!! A sister by choice. A sister who has loved me for 25 years… A woman who has caused me to feel loved, wanted, and included in ways I so desperately craved. In ways I so desperately needed… although I did not even realize my own deepest need until she insisted I remain in her life!! And for this I have been so deeply grateful!
The loss of this friend haunts me and, at the strangest moments, I cannot help but weep for a loss that is so much more profound than any I have known. Deeper than even the death of my own mother or grandmother.
A part of me knows that at some time in the future somehow something about this will make a great deal of sense, and perhaps rightfully fit into the great tapestry that is my journey and life. Right now, the fabric is deeply rent…frayed…and bleeding.