Even when it’s good

27 May

How crazy is it that at the same time you can be realizing how blessed, lucky, fortunate, happy you are…. in that same moment or only a fraction of a second later the seemingly co-resident thoughts about how quite not perfect it is step into the light, fully grown?  How much there is still to worry about.  How much I could actually be blowing it, I just don’t know it yet. Blahdy blahddy blaaahhh

ICKK Already!!        Shoot.  I just wanna shake that shit off! 

But …oooh  pooh… if it is part of the package…. part of the whole that makes me ‘Me’… well…oookay.  I guess I get to be curious about it.  This is just some more of that  workin’ on incorporating the shadow!!

I do understand that there is a habitual part of me that instinctually, automatically works to negate me. If I have a positive experience, it isn’t long (nanosecond?) before The Underminer will throw in a wrench… some reason why this isn’t the good experience I THOUGHT it was (double-bad cuz then I’m just flat Wrong).  If I have an exciting goal and believe in it… Yup, you guessed it.  Even as progress is made, The Underminer works insidiously to implant the worry about how arrogant it was of me to think that I could achieve that/anything!!
But interestingly enough, I have recently met a whole new aspect of myself that I suspect is playing a fair role in sustaining this ballet of Yin and Yang, light and dark.  The truth is that  the only reason that I have such a visceral reaction to discussing that negativity is because there is a part of me that thinks it wants to stay hidden, and needs therefore to stay negated, stay worthless.  Because if it wants to stay hidden, it certainly cannot step into the Light!!

I have hopefully found the key in, however, to that part that believes it wants to (must) stay hidden.  For… what is it that we really want when we hide????? 
I’ll let you know how the lock responds….



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