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Big lesson, learned?

25 Nov

Regarding my recent past experience, I am wondering about my still-resident-susceptibility to the (any) sociopath.  This has been an eye-opening inquiry.

I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once so sweet, so preciously loving, of the past two years… ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is in his cruel departure.

I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong.  But I am still in my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense.  (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all.  But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)
I have found a volume of meaning so far.  No doubt.

However…. A few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first placeWhat was the ‘hook’ that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?

(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments of the relationship.  If I ever thought I didn’t self-inquire, that maybe I didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps.. Well I found it. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience – not presuming it was True just because it felt so Good.)


NOW
The question:
What made me vulnerable? What was the hook that got me (so) hooked?

My vulnerabilities–

  • Those aspects about me that I could not / would not accept (and note to self: still have not wholly accepted) as ‘acceptable’.  The things about me that I KNEW eliminated me from the hope of being truly loved, the things that were wholly unacceptable… these were the juiciest of bait.  (shit. Who was catching whom?? Is the metaphor wrong, or Freudian-ly perfect?)
  • I was quite and utterly convinced that I may not have the ability, the capacity to let someone love me, to trust someone when they claimed to love me, to be able to love someone wholeheartedly.  Convinced that I may be so unacceptable that there is no one who could love me.
  • I “knew” that I was inherently unlovable … and the outward picture of that was: my (then) smoking; my housekeeping; my weight.

(But these were the reasons my logical mind grasped at as proof in order to say ‘see, not loveable’. Truth is.. this belief exists first. Not the other way around.  Note to Self: Come back to this point….. )

The hook

  • When he loved me IN SPITE OF… amazingly UNDIMISHED IN THE FACE OF these very things that I hated about myself; when he consistently stated, and effectively convinced me that these things had nothing to do with what he loved about me, that these things did NOT DIMINISH his love for me… 
  • I suddenly see that it was this that allowed the walls of resistance, of fear and of negation to fall from around my heart.  This acceptance allowed me to allow Love IN!  I could suddenly for the first time let someone all the way in to Who I AM!!  I let him in to the most intimate places in me because he proved to me that I WAS worthy!!

(Question for self:  Who did I need convincing about!??  Who do I need convincing about today?)

  • I let him in because he jumped over the hurdles of what I hated about myself.

SO.  Where does this leave me?

With a JOB to do, that’s what!

MY JOB NOW: 
To remove the currently, unfortunately still potent possibility of being hooked by another sociopath. 

  • To remove the hurdles in me to ME LOVING MY SELF. 
  • To accept every last ornery cranky nasty grimy part of myself as the whole loving loveable being that I am. 
  • To finally learn what it is to LOVE MYSELF UNCONDITIONALLY. 
  • Because it is only this act, this change, that will remove the BAIT from the public square.  To remove the possibility of being hooked again.  To simply be able to BELIEVE the next person that offers me love, but not have to hand over my soul in the process!
  • I don’t know intellectually how I will accomplish this… the resistances can be heard along the fringes of my thoughts.  But my desire for my life, my safety, and my desire to know love again, and truly this time, is strong enough that I think THIS will make it possible.  THIS will motivate me to do the work I need to do.
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5 responses to “Big lesson, learned?

  1. Dr.Steve

    November 26, 2007 at 11:12 pm

    terraflora – You are engaged in something profound. You have been with a psychopath and managed to come out the other side. For most people that would be enough. Or they would try to understand psychopathy better. You’re going a step further to ask what your role in it was. Wow. Now, if you can be very honest with yourself AND not fall into taking all the responsibility/blame, you’ll have done briliantly!. I’m reminded of the way the psychotherapist Irving Yalom puts this kind of issue to patients: “If 95% of what you’re telling me belongs to your partner, let’s try to understand your 5% better.”

     
  2. terraflora

    November 27, 2007 at 8:14 am

    Thank you so much DrSteve… I do feel as though this experience, especially from betrayal to the current moment, has been, hmm, personally-epic in nature. I am at a loss for words to describe the significance I know this is having on the sculpture of my soul.
    And yes… old tapes have revisited me with the “all your fault” message. But in this case, those tapes are garbled and are simply being acknowledged as false! I do NOT take responsibility for the (soul-less, conscience-less) actions of the perpetrator. I do however take ownership of MY experience, and how I ‘allowed’ it, or was vulnerable to it… As I’ve written.. because I want to stay open to love, to life, and so I want very much to be able to trust myself to keep myself safe in the world!
    THANKS so much for visiting!!

     
  3. ian in hamburg

    November 29, 2007 at 5:47 am

    I can relate. I often asked myself why I didn’t take steps to protect myself sooner, to prevent getting sucked in to the sociopath’s orbit. But self-blame is self-destructive. You have to remember that they are innately skilled at zoning in on what buttons to push with each individual. It wasn’t that you had anything to do with it, so don’t take it personally.

     
  4. terraflora

    November 29, 2007 at 9:26 pm

    @ian… I really don’t think I am blaming myself for getting caught in the sociopath’s web. All I did was step near his lair… and like you said, he was innately, unconsciously able to read what he needed to read in me in order to snare me.
    What I want to do is either be able to change the content (eliminate/mitigate my previous self-negation) that he was able to use to hook me. This I admit is a huge [maybe too huge?] job.
    OR at least I want to be able to KNOW those parts of me SO WELL… so that NO ONE else can hope to pull the wool over my eyes when I’m being “stroked” in just that way that *used to* hook me.

    To tell the truth, I don’t know for sure what I will or can do. I guess I am fishing for my power.
    For the self-knowledge that will let me be
    safe
    again
    in the world.

     
  5. brightfeather

    December 1, 2007 at 10:39 am

    Without going into details I can relate. The first “man” I ever was with was a psychopath. He’s still in prison today and will remain there with the other criminally insane until he passes on.

    I’m glad you recognize that we are our own healers. You are beautiful and you are whole. Don’t doubt that or you will not be able to trust and remain open to love and life.

    The work you are doing is painful but it’s also liberating. Stay the course and get to know your “self” better. Know also that you are valued and loved.

    Namaste

     

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