Regarding my recent past experience, I am wondering about my still-resident-susceptibility to the (any) sociopath. This has been an eye-opening inquiry.
I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once so sweet, so preciously loving, of the past two years… ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is in his cruel departure.
I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong. But I am still in my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense. (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all. But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)
I have found a volume of meaning so far. No doubt.
However…. A few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first place. What was the ‘hook’ that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?
(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments of the relationship. If I ever thought I didn’t self-inquire, that maybe I didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps.. Well I found it. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience – not presuming it was True just because it felt so Good.)