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Monthly Archives: November 2007

Big lesson, learned?

Regarding my recent past experience, I am wondering about my still-resident-susceptibility to the (any) sociopath.  This has been an eye-opening inquiry.

I was thinking about whether I’d ever be able to reclaim my memories, once so sweet, so preciously loving, of the past two years… ever since the sociopath revealed himself for the liar and deceiver that he is in his cruel departure.

I am grateful for his departure, don’t get me wrong.  But I am still in my ongoing process to try to make Meaning and sense.  (I have kind of surrendered to the hopelessness of “making sense” of it all.  But I will ever strive to find, make, imagine Meaning!!)
I have found a volume of meaning so far.  No doubt.

However…. A few days ago I was thinking about what made me vulnerable in the first placeWhat was the ‘hook’ that hooked me so completely, so effectively, so surely from the earliest of moments?

(I have found some journal entries from those very early moments of the relationship.  If I ever thought I didn’t self-inquire, that maybe I didn’t challenge my experience, didn’t wonder about the rightness of my next steps.. Well I found it. I DID do all the questioning I’ve come to expect of myself. I DID do all the challenging of the validity of the experience – not presuming it was True just because it felt so Good.)

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No Blogbligation!

Sometimes we are lucky enough to catch ourselves in the act of taking ourselves too seriously, or of making mountains of molehills.  Now there are some obligations that you DO have to live up to, especially if you want your Significant Other to hang around, or your paycheck to keep showing up. 
But where we have CHOICE… why do we bring this same oppressive sense of urgency and obligation??  It’s time to take control of a little more of our thinking and our self-treatement.  Time to CHOOSE DIFFERENTLY!! 

If you have enough damn things on your plate, if you find you are dreading your ‘overdue’ blog entry, that it has lost its sense of fun and wisdom and random community involvement… I invite you to check out both of the following:
I invite you to see if your oh-so-somber senses can survive the advice found in this past post from Letters; and
now I find a sense of hope and solidarity in this from Tiffini Elektra X.  I am grateful to her for the logo, too.  Nice work, this one does!

The credo of non-compulsory, non-obligatory blogging:

  • Because you shouldn’t have to look at your blog like it is a treadmill.
  • Because its okay to just say what you have to say. If that makes for a long post, fine. Short post, fine. Frequent post, fine. Infrequent post, fine.
  • Because its okay to not always be enthralled with the sound of your own typing.
  • Because sometimes less is more.
  • Because only blogging when you feel truly inspired keeps up the integrity of your blog.
  • Because they are probably not going to inscribe your stat, link and comment numbers on your tombstone.
  • Because for most of us blogging is just a hobby. A way to express yourself and connect with others. You should not have to apologize for lapses in posts. Just take a step back and enjoy life, not everything you do has to be “bloggable”.
  • Because if you blog without obligation you will naturally keep your blog around longer, because it won't be a chore.  Plus, just think you will be doing your part to eradicate post pollution. One post at a time. . .



SO… PWYdwFLI (Post When You damnwell Feel Like It)… maybe only when it really CALLS you.

Speaking of calling…  still playing catch up in my coursework.  (Now there’s an obligation!! :} )

 
2 Comments

Posted by on November 23, 2007 in Humor, Quandaries

 

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For another.

Grief and suffering. These experiences gained new meaning, a new reality, for me in the past few months.  I had not previously experienced anything that caused the kind of pain, suffering, grief…  I immediately realized that until now, I never knew what so many people experience regularly.

And now I stand as a distant observer of another’s anguish, disappointment, struggle and, above all, grief. 

How can we truly adequately be there for another?  When we can be with them in person, simply that is often a immense balm, just to BE in their presence.  And if we can be there for them by just listening… again, I know this to be so deeply healing. 

But… my heart has been affected by another and ‘all’ I have is a site on the web, a nom de net, and a handful of heartfelt brief exchanges.. What is it that I can do to serve this other soul?  In her time of being rent open.  How do I offer myself?
Because I know in my heart that we are all intimately connected within this fabric of consciousness… I know that my heart felt offerings (call them prayers, good thoughts, blessings) do find their target.  There is no distance in Spirit.  There is no separation.  I know that the Peace that is needed is known; I know that Grace is poured forth and received;  I know that Wisdom and Love lead and guide all hearts and minds in the tending to the duties called for.

I know that there is One Power, One Presence, One Life.  This is the Life that flows through and as this dear Friend right now.  I know that the Good, the Grace, and the Love that IS this One Presence is absolutely moving through her right now.  She is held in that One Life that is Grace itself. She IS the expression of that One Life, Peace and Wisdom. 
No separation.
No distance.
No absence.
  —آمين

 
3 Comments

Posted by on November 14, 2007 in Mystery, Relationships

 

Necessary Folk!

I admit I am still a baby blogger.  I am so new at this that I haven’t even had a first birthday .. and won’t count one until next summer… for meaningful blogging.  I am so new at this that I  did not FULLY realize the importance of my new friends that I have had the blessing of: bumping into, sharing comments with, exchanging nods of agreement and words of deep appreciation with. 
SOOOOOO… tonight I do one of my normal bops over to one of these dear new friends’ blog and…. OMG!!!  Gone!! NADA!  GONZO!  It isn’t there?  I’m in the zone of abandonment! It’s like finding out that not only has your best friend and her family left the state, but they took the house and land with them!!  arrgghhh

Okay.  Exaggerating.  Some.
And… I am quite sure that brightfeather is simply doing some re-designing.  I’m sure she will be back in fine form when she is done rearranging the furniture.  I’m sure her blog and she are just fine.  And will be Finer than ever upon re-emerging.

BUT my goodness… didn’t this just make me realize how precious these new friends are to me??  I realize that if Letters were to suddenly dump his entire blog… I might have to fly to Hamburg to find out what the heck was going on!  If MeLynn incinerated all of her blogged insights and pics of her pottery, then I might just have to go… wherever she is supposed to be to find out WTF!  If Richard disappeared… I’d have to find his sacred little path and make a nasty noise of disapproval in the midst of all that peace!!

Okay.  Maybe I wouldn’t do that.. I wouldn’t do the full-on stalker or disturber thing!!  But I would certainly be much less happy!  Much less the newly happy person I am, without these new dear friends along.  I owe a portion of my new found happiness to THEM!!  These are … folks to touch base with!  Folks who have touched my heart, and apparently have let me touch theirs..

Okay –here is Notification served:  Nobody do anything without first clearing it with me first.
Or telling me immediately afterward.
Or thinking twice.
Or… at least just sending me a “cool your jets” thought!!  😛

LOVE YOU ALL!!!
xxx terraflora ooo

 
8 Comments

Posted by on November 13, 2007 in Inner Life, Mystery, Relationships

 

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Kitty love




OreosFirstSnow3.JPG

Originally uploaded by terraflora

I’m just crazy about this kitty!! He (and his canine ‘sister’ Sophie) keep me sane. And sometimes not so!! I love them so!

 
4 Comments

Posted by on November 9, 2007 in Inner Life

 

Healing steps

Things I have “finally” done:

  • deleted his phone numbers from my cell phone
  • copied all of the him-specific photographs from my computer to a disc so I can delete them from my computer. 
  • copied all other heart-wrenching (and sometimes wonderfully written) documents and emails to disc and deleted from computer.
  • deleted his ‘label’ and the associated messages in gmail
  • found more of his photographs I’d had blown up to wall-hanging size (ones he didn’t presumptively ‘take for his own’ last june) and now have them accessible for burning
  • thought of him and did not need to hit something or vomit
  • thought of what he had perpetrated and did not get that stunned, uncomprehending brain-freeze
  • ate in old ‘haunts’ without thinking of him
  • woken up without thinking of him

 
Soon  …  I’ll make it a day, a week…

 
4 Comments

Posted by on November 8, 2007 in Inner Life, recovery, Relationships

 

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