Recovery. Gosh it’s fickle.
After 5-6 weeks of the most harrowing grieving and journeying back from heartbreak, the past couple-few weeks have been ablaze with new life. My beloved and precious friends have been unexpectedly rewarded with my ‘return’ – laughing, planning, energy abounding. And I have been likewise rewarded with this same return. God I’m so glad to be back to myself! It has been years since I’ve been this happy to be me! I take a moment to offer up my thanks.
In all this flush of life, as I have mentioned, I have become engaged in the process of getting into grad school …late. So there is the application process with its papers and activities abounding, and there is the simultaneous catch-up process for the first set of classes I missed and the ones that are about to take place. Along with that – the concomitant fear and terror that I’m jumping in beyond my capacity for discipline and order.
That said – none of this activity has felt to be any part of “running away”.
So what is this? Is there something that I haven’t been attending to in me? Today at work as I was heads-down in detailed spreadsheet massaging, suddenly I started to choke up. I stopped in my tracks and gazed out the window. My eyes filled up, and I knew I could sob for a while if I had the opportunity. Yes. I know that this must be totally normal. Of course I am not yet totally healed from this. Of course it still has some ‘settling’ to do. Like aftershocks weeks after the Big One.
Still, what was the trigger then? I had maybe for a nanosecond thought of him… but that doesn’t usually catch me this way. Another fleeting sidelong glance at the idea of ‘being alone’… No, not wholly that by itself either.
It was “just” the sadness. It is the loss of such happy times. It is the loss of such sweet memories and moments. DAMN IT. I don’t want that sweetness to be lost. I don’t want to lose those memories to the bitterness of betrayal. I have to find a way to retain MY memories, my experience and the meaning within all of those experiences.. while somehow accepting and reconciling to the fact that the dance was with … something as yet undefined.
In all this, I do not want my heart shutting down. In all this, I want to make sense of my experience. In all this, I want this experience to enlighten, inform and enliven every step I take from this moment on. In all of this I know that I am heading toward healing. I am heading toward release.
And somehow with that release I think will come the freedom to hold onto my memories. Without further betraying myself.
The tide comes in.