Perhaps it is a question of light. Or, where to properly direct it. Or more precisely… where one *should* direct it, and not.
I was taken aback at my reaction to a kind and well intentioned comment recently. The comment apparently struck a chord, and an old one at that. This is a chord that goes back to my days as a spiritual practitioner (aka counselor) and teacher, and back to being in, and then leaving, ministerial training. The following is, I suspect, a small part of why I walked away.
I was a long time member of one of the several churches that call themselves “New Thought” (no, not New Age… but now I’m free to say that, yes, there is certainly overlap). This philosophy is one of recognizing and of utilizing the awareness that our thoughts do directly affect / create / influence our experience. I’m being careful to not say (a common confusion amongst adherents as well) that our thoughts create all the events in our life. Although I will heartily agree that a powerful attitude of attraction is created by what we think about, what we consciously or unconsciously spend our emotionally charged thoughts on, and this empowered attention/intention often brings certain experiences to us.
As much as I still love and honor the learnings and philosophy, there comes a time when limitation is found even in expansive belief systems.
The power of our thought to create our experience is certainly the phenomenal grace that blesses our physical existence. Learning to notice, direct, use and guide our thoughts consciously for greater good takes quite some time, assistance, watchfulness and patience. Not to mention our own self-forgiveness. Often as we learn that “As a person thinketh, so is s/he”…. we somehow simultaneously learn the counter attack – “You obviously brought this on yourself. What are you thinking? Your fault.” (Whether we hear this from a “your stinkin’ thinkin'” point of view or “my stinkin’ thinkin'” point of view, the new message gets written DEEP into our psyche in such short order of learning this new philosophy, that… it seems obvious that it is an activation of the near-universal human response to find out where ‘We are bad/insufficient/unworthy/broken’.)
OKAY. So that’s the background.
NOW – the current ankle my bulldog-self has a hold of: (Choose one) The intolerance of / the uncomfort with / the denigration of …the Shadow. The dark side of Who I Am. The less than glowing version of Me.
Why am I cast out when I allow so much light into the rest of Who I Am? Why do my beloved ‘friends’ suddenly have a tone of intolerance, or of condemnation? Why do I feel shame in their presence? Aren’t I the contrast by which you can even see the light? Aren’t I the Mystery itself at times? Aren’t I simply that part of Who I Am that is just beyond conscious awareness, for-now?
That I spend time letting the darkness pass through me. That I acknowledge the darkness. That I PAY attention to the darkness. That I let myself get stuck in the darkness for more than an allowable amount of time.
To all this, I say only: You cannot know the Gift that has been given me. And I can only ascribe this grace, this gift, to the fact that I have been willing to stand still. To be hit by wave after wave after wave of horror and rage and darkness that wanted to pass through me. I not only experienced it, looked at it, noticed it, but I shared it. I expressed it. And to those of you that have known me for the nanosecond since this event occurred, judge carefully.
GROWTH – of our self, spirit, soul — Isn’t all about LIGHT and LOVE and GOODNESS. Sometimes it is going to the DEPTH to plumb it, as well!!
Lucifer, I’m sure you must know, is the Light Bringer.