Before I dash off to work this morning, I want to record some quick thoughts I have about how we heal.
When we are dealing with a loss, one where the other party is (appears to be [had to get that in for my part]) still conscious and walking the earth, the sudden ‘removal’ of what was a regular, comforting and passionate connection…. is going to cause great feelings of deprivation (to name one). If you are fortunate, you know with all your mind you don’t really want anything to do with the creature again, but your heart is not yet so convinced. (It will catch up, I promise you.)
In the face of those waves of feelings of deprivation — showing up as it does in myriad forms, be it sadness, self-recrimination, anger, bargaining — one key I found is to treat it like I did my nicotine addiction. I turned INTO it. I turned my attention directly into, onto that feeling. Where do I feel it? What else am I feeling? Is it moving? Is it big? Is there physical pain? Where? Does it have a color?…. And on.
Don’t turn away. Don’t constantly respond to these waves with only attempts at distraction FROM the experience. This only tells your entire system that “This threat is real! It is dangerous! It is powerful!” In many instances what you WILL find, however, in turning your attention INTO it… you will truly find your attention feebly chasing the evaporating ‘power’ in your attempt to simply notice it… It will shrink and dilute and disappear before you like the foggy moisture off a rooftop as the sun first shines on it. You will keep your attention pointed INTO that experience, but you will suddenly be looking here, checking there. The experience will not be ‘noticeable’!
Sometimes this immediate ‘evaporation’ isn’t what happens. Except over time. These other times you learn instead that you CAN let it wash through you. You CAN notice it, without believing the lie it tries to sell (“I’m no good”, “If only I had xxx”). You can cry. You can beat the pillow or stomp an imagined face under your feet. And you can keep on noticing. If the evaporation, dissolution, de-charging doesn’t happen in the blink of an eye, well, okay. Maybe it takes a couple of days.