I know that by examining all of this, including the hateful shadow side of myself, I have the hope of greater strength, great clarity, and great joy!
And now….at moments – I know irrational rage… at moments, I am out of control… at moments, I even glimpse human evil… I recognize I have fully met it. And I have met it in me. (To meet it, it can not be otherwise.)
I know, I know. Theoretically …we all have all of the capacities of humanity within each of us.
But… god…I have never been brought to my knees in the face of such … such anguish, such rage… in me!
— Dear God – What wound IS this? How can this be so… deep? Is it a wound reopened?
No… Somehow this doesn’t feel old. This resonates as ‘totally new’ to me. BUT — I won’t be able to answer that fully for months. (Looking through it, as I currently am.)
My rage feels like a reaction to the stunning numbing impossibility of what I was told. But.. NO – not to the “what”, but to the HOW I was told. THAT IS the gist. The HOW I was told.
For 2 years I had loved, I trusted, I grew, I planned, I allowed myself to feel safe, to really trust. I thought I was loved. I thought I was ‘with’ someone..
It was almost a full 2 years of discussing, 18 months of commitment and planning!!… this was the first time in decades that I was doing serious ongoing future planning!! Planning right up until the day before I get the “uhh… I’m kinda interested in pursuing something with someone else… uh, sowwy.”. G.D.F.DI. That GD pout!! Says: I know I’ve been bad. Don’t hurt me. Let me off.
After the news was delivered, I was capable only of rational discussion, questioning… looking for Sense… for the next few hours. He, on the other hand (who had prepared for this meeting for MONTHS), had suddenly lost his ability to “know” anything about himself. (A quality that I needed AND received from him from day one… suddenly vanished.) He had no idea why he was now “interested in pursing” this someone new. He had no idea what was missing from our relationship.
He did say “we have something to talk about”, but it wasn’t a discussion. It was an announcement. There was no input he wanted, needed, nor asked for from me.
I was in shock for 3 days. Then anger started surging through. It was a reaction in part to the complete shut-down/shut-out silence from him. This of course after he’d “cleared his conscience” (and I use the term loosely) with a no-content email.
But worse than the silence, it was the gagging. Of having my ability to express gagged. Of my being gagged in the face of needing to ask so much, in needing to say so much.
BUT NO, he did not owe me anything. Well, what he owed me he’d already shredded and thrown in my face when he ‘announced’
And I continue. No more reaching out, in any impotent attempt to be heard, or in a hope for information.
This is a huge, deep cleaning out. Cleaning out of things I would never have willingly looked at. A cleaning out of heart and soul level constrictions. And now… oh my gosh… I almost feel the hint of Looking Forward! WOW.. This is almost the first! Seriously!! Can I be happy….. looking forward.. Is this real? YES. I AM. Looking forward!!! Oh.. wow. (Those waves of emotions… They CAN be good waves, too!!!!!!! TYG!)