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Recovery, grief, rage… and breathing

21 Sep

“loving
is the most
creative
force of the universe.

the memory of loving,
the most
destructive”
(Peter McWilliams)

So the rage, and the outwardly directed but inwardly poisoning related vindictiveness, come and visit. Come and park. But I have to stop reaching for the steering wheel. I can sit in this vehicle and FEEL it fully. Let it wash over and through. (And occasionally take it out on my couch, pillows, defenseless vegetables…) And then let it move out. Then ‘tomorrow’ or the next hour has a chance of some peace.

I still work through plans to … to save the next heart that is destined to be brutally-betrayed, save her from having to experience that. If the two women who were tempted to contact me 2 years ago to give me whatever version of a heads-up had… it just might have saved me from this pain. Yes – BUT it would have had to “save” me from 2 years of feeling loved, of the most significant experience of being able to love, of feeling fully accepted, of truly engaging in future-planning, future-building. (This is something that I am claiming selfishly. It is MY experience… NOT given to me by some subhuman or even human. I was the one that had to believe, to trust, to let go and to be… wholy and soley myself. Otherwise I could not of taken IN what I percieved to be love directed at me!! AMAZING… You can dance a dance with an illusion… and if you have suspended disbelief… there is a TRUE EXPERIENCE!)

So thinking of those women who thought to reach out…. I now seriously contemplate offering information.
Information that can be discarded, unread. Or read and disbelieved. But because it is true, it has the possibility to heal. I would hope for minimally the latter, the read and disbelieve. Because then.. at least then the radar will not be able to fully shut down and shut out the sure small, cumulative signs of deception.

Then when it ends, there is something that is prepared within.

or not

I will breathe. I will consider. I will meditate. I will breathe.

I will be stronger. I am stronger because of this. I will take a stand for what is true.

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Posted by on September 21, 2007 in Inner Life, recovery, Relationships

 

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