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Monthly Archives: September 2007

Hypocrite am I?

How is it that of the current very few tv shows that I am chancing to enjoy these days, one seems to be focused around someone having the very characteristics (and more) which I’ve been recently sucker-punched by?

HOUSE, MD.  (I do LOVE Hugh Laurie… since the days of “A Bit of Frye and Laurie”.  He’s an awesome comedian, and as good an actor!)
The character of Dr. House – is a complete ass, a self-obsessed, egotistical, abusive of all others jerk.  Yet we are charmed by him.  A recent episode had Dr. Wilson trying to redeem the misunderstood House with a diagnosis of Ausberger’s Syndrome… but even he, House’s ‘best friend’, had to give up on that.  And it boils down to the fact that HOUSE is a SOCIOPATH!!

Now I know that this is acting.  But I have to assume Hugh Laurie was given the character traits and descriptions…  And Laurie has this one nailed!!!  Geez. I hate that I love the show.  hate it

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Posted by on September 30, 2007 in Quandaries, sociopath

 

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Rankings of the APD

Yes… I’m going to have to acknowledge once again that I am apparently still in recovery, as I am taking uncharacteristic (well, it was uncharacteristic until Aug 30!) pleasure in someone else’s google results. Today I take particular joy in the results of a quoted search for the APD (antisocial personality disorder) ex.  Put his name in quotes and result #3 points back to summaries here <wild applause>, and result #4 points to the delightfully formatted, and factual expose of Mr. APD.  “Will Creed”!!  Search, people, search!!    Women are being saved!!  <ok.. off of my grandstand>

(Added a few hours later:  Don’t even worry about the quote marks!!!!)

10/1: sigh…  Google is fickle!  I thought it was long in figuring out its results.  Joy is dampened.  But at least the DDHG and Womansavers links are still high!

And a momentary acknowledgment to searchers from SL.  Be safe.  Guard your heart.  (Thank god, this N or S APD isn’t after your money.  He just needs the stimulation which you provide, which others of us have provided…)  BUT take care.  Your heart is precious and that is what he will use and then….

Well… You no longer can be blindsided.  Your radar is now equipped.  And if you choose to press on, with your radar ping volume turned way down, then ENJOY, savour it…  NOW…  With the eyes that cannot now fully close.

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Posted by on September 29, 2007 in no conscience, recovery, Relationships

 

a greatest gift…

A new friend has brought my full attention to an old acquaintance.  Rumi.  And for the first time in weeks, I sleep the sleep of ease, of peace.  I thank my new friend with tears of gratitude. 

The Guest House 

 

This being human is a guest house. 

Every morning a new arrival. 

 

A joy, a depression, a meanness, 

Some momentary awareness 

Comes as an unexpected visitor. 

 

Welcome and entertain them all! 

Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows, 

who violently sweep your house 

empty of its furniture, 

Still, treat each guest honorably. 

He may be clearing you out 

for some new delight. 

 

The dark thought, the shame, the malice, 

meet them at the door laughing, 

and invite them in. 

 

Be grateful for whoever comes, 

because each has been sent 

as a guide from beyond.

 

~ Rumi ~

  For the clearing out, I am humbly, painfully … grateful!   

 
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Posted by on September 25, 2007 in Inner Life, inspirations

 

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Glimmer of hope… from the brambles and thorns of betrayal & deception

I know that by examining all of this, including the hateful shadow side of myself, I have the hope of greater strength, great clarity, and great joy!

And now….at moments – I know irrational rage… at moments, I am out of control… at moments, I even glimpse human evil… I recognize I have fully met it. And I have met it in me. (To meet it, it can not be otherwise.)

I know, I know. Theoretically …we all have all of the capacities of humanity within each of us.

But… god…I have never been brought to my knees in the face of such … such anguish, such rage… in me!

— Dear God – What wound IS this? How can this be so… deep? Is it a wound reopened?
No… Somehow this doesn’t feel old. This resonates as ‘totally new’ to me. BUT — I won’t be able to answer that fully for months. (Looking through it, as I currently am.)

My rage feels like a reaction to the stunning numbing impossibility of what I was told. But.. NO – not to the “what”, but to the HOW I was told. THAT IS the gist. The HOW I was told.

For 2 years I had loved, I trusted, I grew, I planned, I allowed myself to feel safe, to really trust. I thought I was loved. I thought I was ‘with’ someone..
It was almost a full 2 years of discussing, 18 months of commitment and planning!!… this was the first time in decades that I was doing serious ongoing future planning!! Planning right up until the day before I get the “uhh… I’m kinda interested in pursuing something with someone else… uh, sowwy.”. G.D.F.DI. That GD pout!! Says: I know I’ve been bad. Don’t hurt me. Let me off.

After the news was delivered, I was capable only of rational discussion, questioning… looking for Sense… for the next few hours. He, on the other hand (who had prepared for this meeting for MONTHS), had suddenly lost his ability to “know” anything about himself. (A quality that I needed AND received from him from day one… suddenly vanished.) He had no idea why he was now “interested in pursing” this someone new. He had no idea what was missing from our relationship.

He did say “we have something to talk about”, but it wasn’t a discussion. It was an announcement. There was no input he wanted, needed, nor asked for from me.

I was in shock for 3 days. Then anger started surging through. It was a reaction in part to the complete shut-down/shut-out silence from him. This of course after he’d “cleared his conscience” (and I use the term loosely) with a no-content email.

But worse than the silence, it was the gagging. Of having my ability to express gagged. Of my being gagged in the face of needing to ask so much, in needing to say so much.

BUT NO, he did not owe me anything. Well, what he owed me he’d already shredded and thrown in my face when he ‘announced’

=====
And I continue. No more reaching out, in any impotent attempt to be heard, or in a hope for information.

This is a huge, deep cleaning out. Cleaning out of things I would never have willingly looked at. A cleaning out of heart and soul level constrictions. And now… oh my gosh… I almost feel the hint of Looking Forward! WOW.. This is almost the first! Seriously!! Can I be happy….. looking forward.. Is this real? YES. I AM. Looking forward!!! Oh.. wow. (Those waves of emotions… They CAN be good waves, too!!!!!!! TYG!)

 
 

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Recovery, grief, rage… and breathing

“loving
is the most
creative
force of the universe.

the memory of loving,
the most
destructive”
(Peter McWilliams)

So the rage, and the outwardly directed but inwardly poisoning related vindictiveness, come and visit. Come and park. But I have to stop reaching for the steering wheel. I can sit in this vehicle and FEEL it fully. Let it wash over and through. (And occasionally take it out on my couch, pillows, defenseless vegetables…) And then let it move out. Then ‘tomorrow’ or the next hour has a chance of some peace.

I still work through plans to … to save the next heart that is destined to be brutally-betrayed, save her from having to experience that. If the two women who were tempted to contact me 2 years ago to give me whatever version of a heads-up had… it just might have saved me from this pain. Yes – BUT it would have had to “save” me from 2 years of feeling loved, of the most significant experience of being able to love, of feeling fully accepted, of truly engaging in future-planning, future-building. (This is something that I am claiming selfishly. It is MY experience… NOT given to me by some subhuman or even human. I was the one that had to believe, to trust, to let go and to be… wholy and soley myself. Otherwise I could not of taken IN what I percieved to be love directed at me!! AMAZING… You can dance a dance with an illusion… and if you have suspended disbelief… there is a TRUE EXPERIENCE!)

So thinking of those women who thought to reach out…. I now seriously contemplate offering information.
Information that can be discarded, unread. Or read and disbelieved. But because it is true, it has the possibility to heal. I would hope for minimally the latter, the read and disbelieve. Because then.. at least then the radar will not be able to fully shut down and shut out the sure small, cumulative signs of deception.

Then when it ends, there is something that is prepared within.

or not

I will breathe. I will consider. I will meditate. I will breathe.

I will be stronger. I am stronger because of this. I will take a stand for what is true.

 
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Posted by on September 21, 2007 in Inner Life, recovery, Relationships

 

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In comparison, I have no experience…

A wife, decades in bliss.
Betrayed. Left
with no good reason.

I have no comparison in experience
in my time with the same person who left that wife.
My 2 years.  Distance, traveling. Yet I thought deeply connected…
Is nothing
to almost 3 decades
of trust
connection
love
future building.

I am going through so much pain.

And it is NOTHING.

I wake up to the fact that
People, men and women, go through this in magnitudes
DAILY.
Daily there are hundreds of broken hearts newly trying to find their way to hold on.

god.

I so know nothing.

my pain is nothing
in comparison.

 
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Posted by on September 4, 2007 in Inner Life, Quandaries, Relationships

 

Blindsided by murder

Imagine:
Having the corpse of someone you loved deeply — suddenly and unexpectedly held up for you to view!! AND imagine that this is be the sole means of being told about their death.
…..Shock, utterly numb, speechless (for the lack of sense in it all) and disbelieving or uncomprehending. All of this is thick enough to cut.

THIS… is how I was presented with the “we are over” ‘conversation’. The corpse was the ‘Us’ of us. It was already done. I had no input. There was no inquiry (what if I need xxx?, can we adjust to doing nnnn? are you interested in providing me with yyy?) NO opportunity for me to engage in “our relationship”. ‘Us’ was in fact already eviscerated;, HUNG, dead and on view as the calling card of ‘oh, by the way, this is what’s true now’.

After numb and dumb, (and after a horrid night and then dropping him silently off at the airport at 6am) of course I did get to… the anger! Can I at least be grateful that anger had a direction – at the one who delivered the news – who held up the decayed body as the casual and matter of fact statement of the new state of affairs? It helps that he is also the butcher. He never, upon changes in his heart, offered a hint. No invitation to a discussion, possibility… It was ALREADY DONE! And after so much!

SO – The anger has a direction. Even if the anger is confused, it knows its target: The one who killed the beloved (the “us”) weeks before, yet who carried on in Oscar-worthy manner in the stunningly effective deception that all was well. From his behavior and words(!), nothing was a bit amiss, nothing needed any attention, or tending.

Wow. I don’t even know where to start. If I even think to attempt to describe the whole situation, this could be a new War&Peace.

Okay… I’m no writer. But I have a visceral response to life that I’m trying to capture, to describe, to present. The previous is an attempt to draw the picture, the analogy of what being suddenly, and deceptively, and with a false pout, being broken up with is like. It was: with no reason, no warning, and no conscience. The man could NOT have a conscience and do what he did. And this is (as I SEE the pattern) at least the third time he has committed this pattern.

Sociopathology is described in the book “The Sociopath Next Door”. See link. Frightening… and sobering.
But if you need to see the face of the 1 in 25 of us, in NYC and Queens, this is one for them… This one is in your neighborhood:
Will Creed, Horticultural Help
THIS is Will Creed. GOD! I actually loved him. (So’s you know my conflicting interest in presenting this.) NOW… Had he handled the break up like a HUMAN – even a clumbsy one, I would never do this. But hey, YOU.. who have taken him on next… PLEASE BE AWARE!!!! BE CAREFUL. (It may be ecstatic and “perfect” for a while… he will FLATTER and he will evoke your PITY….) BUT.. the Clock Is Ticking. SURPRISINGLY the truth is….He is a SOCIOPATH. He has NO EMPATHY!! Please… BEWARE!
Not only will you eventually be replaced. He will HARM you in doing so… simply because it will be the ‘easier out’ for him, and all because he has NO CONSCIENCE. NO EMPATHY.

REPORTED here: Will Creed and
also here, Will Creed details

READ THIS for what to watch out for especially on the web!

Here is where he “works” and harvests.

 
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Posted by on September 3, 2007 in Inner Life, no conscience, Relationships, sociopath

 

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