He didn’t eat every morsel last night.
He slept inside without complaint until very late in the morning.
He did not ask for breakfast.
He slipped outside with the dog,
I thought it’d be brief, assumed he would venture not far… and come back in.
If he wasn’t feeling well.
And now
Dear god!
How do you look for a cat
that doesn’t want to be found.
Could he really have gotten that sick?
OH GOD….
How crazy is it that at the same time you can be realizing how blessed, lucky, fortunate, happy you are…. in that same moment or only a fraction of a second later the seemingly co-resident thoughts about how quite not perfect it is step into the light, fully grown? How much there is still to worry about. How much I could actually be blowing it, I just don’t know it yet. Blahdy blahddy blaaahhh
ICKK Already!! read more…
A great read:
Exposed – What I gained — and lost — by writing about my intimate life online
Thanks to a new discovery:
waving to all!! tf
I’m not gone. But sometimes I feel gone. At least from the places I started to establish myself, and wanted to grow and connect (like my blogging community), before I fell into the rabbit hole of Grad School!!
AND… then again.. I feel like I am changing my very sense of place, my very sense of self, the very structure of my DNA… as if I am right now being sent through a transporter beam and I am just slowly looking down and finding myself more and more … “here”. In a very new here, a very new place.
(But part or most of my particles are still in the old place or en route. VERY odd!! Very VERY odd!)
I love noticing things like this. I hope that I am capturing this experience adequately. <Don’t you sometimes wish you were…. photographic?> How do you catch the “in between times”? The Liminal time!! We don’t have natural language for this! Can I even hope to retrieve this experience in or near its fullness when that possible future someone is going through something similar, and maybe something I noticed or learned in the process could help? Am I making sense of this experience in a way that is useful to myself? And Bonus: To others?
Class bright and early in the a.m. Off to bed. Off to sleep… I hope!
Blessings!!!
- I am free from sickness, brokenness and self-disdain – 6 mo anniversary
- I am back in school and thriving! – 5 month anniversary
- I am happy to feel being myself again! – 1 mo anniversary
Many small AND important points along the way….
I am so grateful to be in my own skin. I am happy again to be me!
This is a familiar focus of gratitude, this recognition. (But it felt like I had forgotten it. I just didn’t know how long it had been gone. It felt like a very long time.)
I once again look out from my own eyes and know that I not only am part of what I see, I also AM what I see.
The boundary of “me” is not limited to my skin.
Everything that I experience as “out there” is also ME!
YesYesYes… I am still in school full-time (although THAT was a close one!!), and I am loving (and hating) it! I am also still employed and very grateful for my full-time paycheck, if not the full-time corporate subjugation!
I am trying to find some spare time in which my brain doesn’t decide to completely shutdown and vegetate in hopes that I can write something here non-academic and, hopefully, of interest. (At least to me!)
Thanks for checking back in on me! I hope to recompense your attention soon!
Happy Longer Days!!! (Up here in the northern hemisphere, anyway!)
How do we know?
The difference between what seems (to us, to society) to be reachable if occasionally unbelievable personal goals…
..versus physically, emotionally unreachable or at least currently unmanageable goals?
Our society loves setting goals, and loves those who reach them. So… its not surprising that it is not too easy to find general support for figuring out when you’ve reached momentarily too far… and how to gracefully forgive yourself and back down. If that is even appropriate.
What if we really do hit our limit in reaching for a stretch goal? What if we have underestimated the requirements, overestimated our abilities, but we still sit, too terrified to say we’ve rushed in too fast because, and we don’t know how to say. Oops. Maybe not now.
Besides, maybe, just maybe, we are just going through a normal scared patch. (How can we know?) Maybe, just maybe, we will be able to look back on this and say “whew… didn’t think I’d make it.. but I DID”.
But what if the panic and the physical and the internal responses threaten to unbalance everything? I mean … everything.
read more…
