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Holding together until…

“It happens, sometimes, 

that things are too much.

Stacks overflow. 
Trusses break.

I get that.

What I don’t get is:
how one barrels through. 
Where does that strength come from? 
How is it fed?

And if it doesn’t appear on command, 
how does one hold on, waiting?

Everything is collapsing.
By definition, that means: 
nothing remains to be held.”

– Anon.

(Original post on Tumblr)

 
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Posted by on September 9, 2013 in Inner Life

 

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Taking Flight




TakingFlight.jpg

Originally uploaded by kathpdx

Looking back to the beginning of my adventure/life&work transition of becoming a psychotherapist… I took this picture the day before starting classes!So perfect. Taking Flight!!

 
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Posted by on May 31, 2013 in Inner Life

 

Reaching a mutual understanding

In the last few days I have begun suddenly to think that I was, instead of being too hasty, that I maybe I was reaching the point of ‘hanging on too long’ in regards to my elderly ailing beloved 15-1/2year old Sophie. I watched her yesterday – as I have been watching her closely over the past week or two. Asking her, sometimes out loud, “Is this too much, honey?” “Have you had enough?” But of course, no audible response came. And there was still detectible if subdued pleasure she experienced in my company.

So was my attention yesterday, while Sophie was occasionally moving from inside to outside, occasionally falling and being unable to pick herself up, and then she would wander a tiny portion of the yard – was she trying to decide whether the pain of crouching was worth the desire to defecate or urinate? Did she just collapse on her hind legs or did she mean to ‘take a break’ and sit a spell?

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Imagination vacation

Have you ever set out to exercise your imagination? We rarely think about it that way, do we? Exercising it. I never thought about it so much that way, but what I have recently come to stumble upon leads me to want to raise my dear Mother from the dead and holler.. “SEE, Mom! This is what WE made, this is how YOU taught me to play before anyone else thought to create it!!”   

Perhaps you won’t be surprised, even if I was, that I recently came upon a real life building that threw me into the world that my mom and I actively created and occupied as we traveled across country.

My mom was the greatest sport and greatest teacher of having fun for imagination’s sake. Realistically, my dear mother was hurt and wounded in so profound of ways, I now am awed what she could bring to me. The greatest gift she passed on was the appreciation of AWE, and the joy and truth and freedom of IMAGINATION!

Growing up there were so very many vacations that involved long road trips. When I was very young I remember being trundled off, in my pj’s, in the wee hours of the night into a sleeping bag in the station wagon. I remember sleeping (if one can remember sleeping) soundly, but I most especially remember waking up to see the incredible, vibrant stars above. I would lie there drinking in the stars. This was the time when the Milky Way became a living reality.

As I grew older and my brother moved off to life, I was vacationing with my parents alone as a burgeoning adult. When my brain started to own its creative powers, and I was in the constricted environment of the vehicle for hours, I was met by the mind of my amazingly willing, playful, joyful mother who could follow or lead me to places that to this day feed the depths of my very soul.

There were the Ivy People. Noticing the ivy growing up overpasses and covering structures, we began the story of “The Ivy People”. After all, it certainly could be no chance or coincidence that ivy was overtaking the overpasses. We had to Be Aware! It was covering the barns. Growing up the trees. No, this was an intelligence. The Ivy People were moving in… (And so the story was deliciously built between my mother and me.)

THEN, there was what we began to unravel was the crazy but obviously successful string of dilapidated structures that were built along the highway. We realized and exposed, in the cab of our vehicle, the intentional power that had set out to represent dilapidation!!! Perhaps this was to entertain the occupants of all vehicles passing by, to look forlorn, to look broken down, to capture the attention of vacationers. But certainly it was an incredibly successful AND SPREADING trend. Just look at all these practically falling down barns, so many almost collapsing down structures… We realized that this was the work of a GENIUS!!   

Of course this was our own private anti-capitalist, anti-market driven examination of the landscape.

And now… More than ten years after my mom died, I have come now upon an image and A REALITY that I have never more so deeply wanted to share with my beloved mother. The following image is of a structure that was built intentionally, as it is shown! And it won recognition…


Here is entry #10 from http://www.colorcoat-online.com/blog/index.php/2011/01/15-bizarre-buildings/9.ErranteGuestHouseChile_thumb.jpg

What an incredible external realization of our own silly private imaginative romps, when we would turn off of our critical “real world” minds in order to play and truly… To ROMP! LOOK MOM!! We were right!!!

 
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Posted by on June 26, 2011 in Inner Life

 

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Losses along the way

As part of my thesis, I am recounting my journey, from childhood trauma to healing, meaning, and mystery. There is a large spectrum of time and experience to consider. But the truth is that right now I am stunned at the recent losses that could never have been anticipated. And even if they had been projected as possible by anyone, the possibilities would have been merrily laughed off as simply absurd.

So, somehow… it is almost as though these are the blood sacrifices that are required to enter the “next stage”.

And here I am. With holes in my heart.

The greatest loss…

Is it even possible that I had to lose such a dear beloved friend, a sister by choice, for some greater purpose? NO! I just do not believe that I HAD to lose her! (Looking for the positive… Perhaps this loss created an opening in me Tree near Anne to allow me a precious reconnection with another (beloved) ‘cast off’ member of my blood family. But dammit.. I do not really believe that there had to be this trade-off!) There is just no possible meaning in this… At least, I have to admit, none that I have yet realized.

Is this loss more painful because this was Chosen family? Not only chosen by me, but – perhaps the sweetest, and most important part… I was chosen! I never before felt chosen. FAMILY! True family! So much greater than the ‘semblance of family’ represented by my blood relations!! A sister by choice. A sister who has loved me for 25 years… A woman who has caused me to feel loved, wanted, and included in ways I so desperately craved. In ways I so desperately needed… although I did not even realize my own deepest need until she insisted I remain in her life!! And for this I have been so deeply grateful!

The loss of this friend haunts me and, at the strangest moments, I cannot help but weep for a loss that is so much more profound than any I have known. Deeper than even the death of my own mother or grandmother.

A part of me knows that at some time in the future somehow something about this will make a great deal of sense, and perhaps rightfully fit into the great tapestry that is my journey and life. Right now, the fabric is deeply rent…frayed…and bleeding.


 
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Posted by on May 11, 2011 in Inner Life

 

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So long away. Making my way home.

I am missing my involvement with my blog and the few lovely readers I once had. I miss the creative or expressive outlet in a zone with no rules or expectations. And as I begin to near the end of my graduate program, I look forward to once again dancing and playing here!

I was so happily surprised when I just followed a link to a blog from LinkedIn and ended up on a blog mentioning TimeThief!! AH! The familiar name calls me back, alighting my wish to master the technical aspects of blogging (she’s an über expert! on top of an awesome heart!). So I look forward to dabbling in the midst of my thesis, perhaps using it to fill the need for an occasional break.

More on the thesis topic later… Overcoming, living with yet above the effects of incest!

Namasté!

 
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Posted by on March 5, 2011 in transitions

 

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Deflation consciously engaged

InflationDistortionSeen1.psd – the ego puffery that is often needed or at least very useful for taking on a huge unbelievable task. Otherwise, we are so easily daunted and surrender before we start.

Overinflation – a condition that is rarely recognized in real time by its owner – not until a lancing event has occurred that pierces the hot air balloon of ego, and the deflation and loss of altitude has commenced.

Revelation – an activity of consciousness often coinciding with a near-deadly collision with the ground floor… Often occurring when waking up and looking around as the balloon is careening down from previous position. Often occurring as one is walking away from the high-speed collision with the earth (“reality”). ALWAYS FOLLOWS Humiliation

Trickster – The deliverer of unexpected events.

Devotion – the requisite payment of attention to Trickster required in order to enable the “unexpected event” to be a gift and not a catastrophe.

Integration – the time-bound process which weaves together the pain, the loss, the realizations into…

Wisdom – the residue of aforementioned Revelation and integration


Photo by abbyladybug

Used under Creative Commons License

 
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Posted by on May 4, 2010 in Inner Life

 

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